ADRENALINE

The field stretches out before me;
my feet scorched against the sands.
The silence is slit by the lone crow’s caw
and the blinding sun stabs my eyes.
Drunk with regret I step into the expanse …

The sun sets as my parched throat bleeds.
I turn my head as a gust of air blows by;
cold and yet clammy it touches me
and my hairs stand on end.
My horror unfurls as it whispers my name …

It eyeballs me and holds my gaze;
dread rips through my heart as it screams out.
I shudder but hear no words.
It tilts its head and studies me;
its hands caressing my face …

In fury it hurls me away and walks right by.
I reach out but my hand glides right through.
I plead to know my assailant but it cackles in antipathy.
Suddenly the earth tremors and I hear a mutter,
“Fear,” it says “fear …”

RENAISSANCE

In delusion and despair,
feeble fingers reach out for the light
streaming through the stone doors.
Knees frayed, caked with blood,
I crawl with desperation;
I’m still here … caged inside …

I hear the laughter, I feel the blow;
I fall on my back, I cringe in pain.
Agonizingly, I roll over and reach out.
I feel the markings on the stone wall.
I squint through the dirt on my lashes
as I face myself …

My mind starts to trip;
I feel the earth turn over.
I sense a rush of confusion, anger and pain
- I draw strength as the rage consumes me.
I see the shadows; I feel them draw near;
I struggle to escape their embrace …

My vocal cords explode as I scream in terror.
I taste the blood and moan in pain.
I pound the dirt beneath,
I grab my head and stoop over in the corner.
I look up and face reality,
my eyes begging for redemption …

I see a slate appear before me and
life’s journey soar past my eyes.
Reaching out to clean it with uncertain hands,
I manage a smile; I let go and I awake.
Set free, I awake reborn.
Sometimes delusions aren’t so simple …

THE REVENGE

I hear the dead leaves flutter,
I hear a stray patter,
I hear the hollow chime,
it tells me it is time.
I feel the alley bitterly cold,
I feel trepidation unfold …

I think I smell it;
maybe I hear it.
I think it taunts me;
I feel it propel me.
Overwhelmed by this strangeness,
I step into the darkness ...

For a moment it loses control
as I repossess my soul,
but futile is my gain
as I double over in pain.
Heroic it stands tall,
defeated to my knees I fall ...

Victorious is its ululation
as I drift into oblivion.
Too late to repent
I bid it end this torment.
In a daze I think I see it crouch;
subdued I await its final touch ...

SECRET DIARY

Our eyes met briefly,
words were left unspoken.
I had hoped it was but a flickering crush,
alas my poor heart knew no rest …

The first kiss opened up floodgates
- for me, obviously not you;
else why flinch at that first touch?
Why let me in only to shut me out?

Magical, powerful, beyond description
- how maddening can an addiction be?
A high no one else can please
and yet my tongue I bite each time you leave …

Lovers in our own secret world
when we do what we know best;
yet two worlds apart
with eyes of stone observing the trend …

I can’t reach to your heart;
what lies ahead if I stay?
Do I ask the world of you
to pretend a lil for me?

PEACE AND BEAUTIFUL BEGINNINGS

I tend to be ill at ease at the start of a New Year.
I’m extremely grateful to God to see another year
but I get butterflies in my stomach like when I had my 25th birthday
and I bawled out to one of my girlfriends - I feel old!!!
The New Year does not give me an aged feeling;
it stirs up in me questions like "Did you waste last year Kit?"
An unsettling query as I have no control over time or destiny ...

2006 was indeed an eventful and memorable year for me -
crying myself to sleep, juggling two jobs, earning another degree,
going through yet another break-up, finally earning a superb retreat,
landing a new job, moving into a new apartment, making new friends,
the best part of it all - finding me …
A year that made me grow up in a scary and yet thrilling way;
needless to say one I desire only to relive in my mind.
2007? A lil’ bit scary ‘cos there’s so much on my ‘to accomplish list’
that sometimes reality defeats the ‘superwoman’ in me
and I long for the comfort of a hand round my shoulder …

When I said my prayers on New Year’s eve,
I spent time talking to God and reflecting on the year gone by
and I asked of Him, "What does the New Year hold for me?"
He said "Peace and beautiful beginnings!"
Now the how is not up to me; He asks of me to simply believe.
Do you believe that the battle is not yours but the Lord’s?
Do you believe the victory is yours for the taking?
I do.

To peace and beautiful beginnings Kit …

DECK THE HALLS …

As a kid in elementary school,
I watched Ben-Hur.
I was too young to fully understand this
four hour-long movie and yet I went on
to absorb what I could from Lew Wallace’s
Ben-Hur: A Tale of Christ (1880) …

On Christmas eve I flipped channels to
Turner Classic Movies (TCM) and there it was,
the 1959 classic with Charlton Heston and
Stephen Boyd and I sat to finally figure it out.
Before long I was shedding tears I couldn’t have as a child
but can now as I relate to what Judah experienced …

Sometimes we go through things
that make life seem so unfair,
or we experience a Messala
and resolve never to trust anyone again,
and sometimes what we experience
leaves us totally consumed by vengeance …

In this yuletide could we take the time
to reflect on why Christ was born?
No matter what anyone thinks, says or does,
life is in the hands of God Almighty.
On that I ponder and I hope you will too.
Merry Christmas ...

LOADS TO MULL OVER …

The scars have made me older;
the lies - only colder;
deeper the vessel sinks
- how time goes by ...

Hustling and chasing shadows;
caught in the line of fire
- is this fight worthwhile?
Secrets still waiting to be hid
with the memories left to haunt me …

Walking the footsteps of a stranger,
suddenly I learn the bizarre
as Pandora’s box opens
- what’s left on this bouncing ball?

I feel like a garden bursting into life;
is there a wish better than that?
When all’s said and done
life’s a lot to think about sometimes …

THE STORM

I can feel you
– and the storm stirring up in you.
I can taste the moment
– and you, so sweet and warm.
All I breathe is your life …

Look into my eyes;
can you see a love that’s blind?
Never a day I’ll break your heart;
these walls will fall before we do …

Do I really feel the way I feel?
They call me crazy but I’m only crazy about you.
They call me a dreamer but I’m only counting the ways to you …

Sooner or later it’s all over
- I’d give up forever just to touch you now …

* Dedicated to anyone who's ever been crazy in love ...

MY FEBRUARY 14th

So while everyone else is having the fun they should have,
Here I am, in PJ's of course, reading for an accounting exam ...

Catch an ol' friend online and we catch up on gist -
I should be reading, you know ...

Anyway, he says some really nice stuff I sure won't like to forget:
"Life is for the living and love is for the giving"
"You couldn't fail, even if you tried!"
"Make sure you fall asleep with a smile on your face" ...

* Dedicated to Blonker

MERRY CHRISTMAS?

Falling ill during my shift was not what I expected;
bending over in pain I couldn't finish - sucks!
But I'm in the next night, heavily sedated ...

I had plans for dinner that night but I guess I was too exhausted
or simply high on the medication ...
Anyway, I sleep in front of the fireplace
- hoping to catch good ol' Santa?
Don't know but I wake up at midnight - Christmas day!

Shame! Missed the dinner so I call my date to wish him
"Merry Christmas" and apologize ...
Wonder why I bothered;
he must have worked himself up to a hard-on
thinking of the good rumble in the sack he would have had
(can someone please tell him it won't have happened anyway?)

He hangs up on me - twice ...

I call Dayo and cry on the phone - apologizing at the same time
'cos I sure didn't call her to get her emotional too ...

Ify calls and asks why I waited for him to call
- isn't my boyfriend totally amazing?!
Says I should go online in about four hours ...
Well, maybe he went out for drinks, got drunk, whatever,
but he sure didn't come online ...

So what's a girl to do?

I get out of my PJs and go downstairs;
I sauté some vegetables, stir-fry some shrimps,
heat up some turkey, rice and peas,
then sit down to eat and watch “Mr. & Mrs Smith”.
No alcohol tonight – just pink grapefruit juice …

Merry Christmas Kit!

ONE OF THOSE THINGS IN LIFE …

Here I am, hanging out with some colleagues;
quite startling as I do not know some of them.
Pitiful! Just shows how superb my networking skills are.
Oh well … I’m learning and improving …

I'm a bit self-conscious
- being the only lady here and black!
Oops! Someone is sensitive!
Okay, I’ll just sip on my ’97 Mondavi Carneros Merlot
and simply have fun … yes!

Can’t really say what the fun is all about
but we appear to be having it;
and I’m not doing badly you know – sitting, talking, laughing,
changing topics – I’m making progress, eh? …

I seem to have been talking with just this guy for like – 45 minutes?
Oops! Time to change – wait a minute! Am I tipsy or what?
He seems mesmerized by something … must be the alcohol …
Okay! Time to change … Wait! Is my blouse too low?
Okay, I can fix that … No! He’s looking into my eyes;
Been doing that all along … Ooh!

Well … I’m yet to recover from that evening …
I admit that I can’t seem to get over him …
Oh my goodness! I’m too old for this! Feels like when …
Steady …

But seriously, does he know how he makes me feel?
Can he sense it each time I call?
Does he like me the way I like him?
There are certain things we never seem to figure out …

* Dedicated to all those cute guys I had crushes on and yet never dated ...

TRUSTING IN THE LORD

I sighed in despair...

It was raining heavily
and driving was becoming more difficult.
I was still out in the country;
the city was ahead.

A client had called me out
to look at a non-receptive antenna.
So engrossed in the fault
I lost track of time...

'Well at least it has been rectified,'
I said quietly to myself,
but I could kick myself for such carelessness.

Driving at this time wasn't safe;
there had been so much in the news
about robbery and even murder on these roads.
'Do I have anything to serve as a weapon?'

Tears clouded my vision, worsening everything;
now I could barely see!
I panicked...

Then suddenly I remembered the words of Overton:
'There's so much now I cannot see,
my eyesight's far too dim;
but come what may,
I'll simply trust and leave it all to Him.'

I relaxed and smiled:
'Living without faith in God,
is like driving in the fog.'
Suddenly I knew it would just be all right!

WAITING …

I thought I could stay hidden
in my small unknown habitat
but you sought me out,
yeah, you turned me into a big world prospect …

Could I possibly say those were the days?
Life was a one-way fast lane
- just the two of us;
sounds impressive, right?

You tore me out of my shell
with your smooth, slick talk;
Your lies sounded better than the truth
- you said what I needed to hear, so who cares?

What do you think of me now?
If we could go back in time
would you have ever been with me?
Would you still have broken me from within?

I look so composed, don’t I?
Well, I was crazy for you;
I had nothing but love and affection for you
yet you rudely brought my world crashing down …

The city’s dark;
the seconds terribly quiet.
Every word you ever uttered
echoes in my head and how it hurts …

This sure sounds pitiful …

WHATEVER …

I am lying on my couch
starring at the ceiling above,
getting to know the shadows on my wall …

Thoughts run through my head
- like ‘where do we go
when we are old and grey?’

I sense a weakness in my soul;
my brain is walking down a one-way street
- don’t know where it’ll lead me …

I perceive myself falling down the waterfall
and I hear the tune born of melody
- I think it melts the expanse into a sea …

I see the crooked smile
of people who wish to exploit me
- funny, it doesn’t upset me …

The hours of darkness have fallen;
guess I should catch my forty winks …

THE CURSE

Whispers …

I ain’t crazy,
just a fragile being,
a lonely star called an outcast
- I pray for the strength to keep going on …

Only lies could make this all go away
- the voices in my head,
the faces before me;
the thought of you gives vigor to my bones …

Too late I’ve come to appreciate that there comes a curse,
I’ve got no place left to stray
- pity; won’t see the light of your devotion any longer,
it’s time to pay …

LIFE’S FUNNY YOU KNOW …

Life’s funny …

I can recall the day we met,
face to face at a mutual friend’s crib.
You were all I wanted in a guy,
everything I had been searching for
- or so I thought …

Our friendship grew;
I was in no hurry to rush things,
remember the unending hours on the phone,
our shared jokes, pleasant laughter
- the ache in my heart you never knew.

Life’s funny …

Eventually you met my best friend
and became obsessed with her;
you felt helpless and ran to me.
Except it wasn’t my arms you needed;
you wanted me to convince her of your feelings for her …

Arrggh! What agony!!!
I saw my life crumbling down like a pack of cards;
the pain I went through, the torture I had to live with
- I did my best as friends of you both,
sharing my secret tears with no one …

Life’s funny …

You couldn’t see the longing in my eyes
as I patiently listened to you each day.
You didn’t feel the tingle of my touch
as I reached out to soothe your pain.
You won’t hear the strain of pain in my voice
as I spoke the words you wanted to hear …

We found peace in our arms
when we both couldn’t take it anymore;
you needed my comfort, I needed you
- I’ll forever cherish the seven days
I had you as mine …

We kissed as if there was no tomorrow,
your fingers searching and discovering me,
your teeth gently nibbling my nipples,
your member pressing hard against me
- you could have taken me that night …

Life’s funny …

She told me yesterday you are getting hitched,
‘Ohhh! Who’s the lucky girl?’
‘I don’t know? Heard it in church.’

Life’s funny you know …


* Dedicated to Edward

A FACE IN THE CROWD

Take me back to where it all started,
to what we once had;
- you took the weather with you …

You said we had nothing,
no common note to start on;
that we’ll soon drift apart.
I said ‘Seal?’ You said,
‘That’s the one thing we’ve got!’

Left alone I would go draw the curtains;
in any case, we’d only need candlelight,
you and I
- and a bottle of wine …

You took the memories with you, honey;
The joy, the laughter, the tears, everything …
It’s a damn cold night;
I’m trying to understand this life …

I face the throng and search for a familiar face …

JOURNEY’S END

Time goes by
yet I sit and wait.
My mind plays tricks on me
as I wait for it to draw close …

Lost in thought I drift into a reverie.
I feel myself rise gently.
Grey and light, floating in mid-air,
my mind pleads to wake up in our world …

I see the horizon
and the ones who came before.
They call from a distance,
out of memory and time …

The pale moon rises,
casting its glow on the waters
and I see souls pass
- all hope fades …

Tears glide down my cheeks
as the white shores call out to me.
I have come to journey’s end
- rest my weary soul …

THE HUNTER’S DANCE

He strolls, he trots,
he taps to the left,
then to the right;
he’s playing a game …

His prey actually collect at his doorstep!
Sweet delight, they fill his sight.
Hope for many a sleepless night,
they dream while they may …

He chuckles over his black book
- little he calls it?
It stretches into volumes
as he plays his game …

‘Fine boy!’ they hail him;
he takes the bow,
first to his left, then to his right;
he’s only playing a game …

ABSTRACT

Memories of yesterday
leap up before my eyes,
shredding my soul,
destroying my sense of reason.

Images drift pass me randomly;
I am unable to comprehend.
Confused I spin about dizzily;
helpless I struggle bloatedly …

Adventurer; conqueror;
I ultimately rise to the surface,
floating in a void
- strange …

Aimless ramble;
unattainable goals.
Great emptiness.
unending oblivion …

SOME WOUNDS NEVER HEAL

How does one begin
unfolding his tales of woe?
How does one face his ghosts
of years past today?
How do I pick up and move on …

My conscience screams out;
I press my palms to my ears
hoping to block out the truths they reveal;
but no, they defy all efforts
- simply driving me crazy, man …

I cannot see;
I pinch myself and feel nothing!
I panic as my dark eyes dart about;
I see only darkness,
numb I lose all sense of direction …

Claustrophobic I gasp for breath,
my body jerking and twisting uncontrollably.
My hand reaches out
- for help?
Time cannot erase reality …

These wounds I bear will never just heal …

BON APPETIT!

We sat at the table;
like two innocent teenagers on a first date.
I wondered what I was doing there,
I wondered who would spot me
on this ‘innocent’ rendezvous …

We smiled;
then we started talking
and things livened up.
I realized at that moment that talking to him
was really much easier than I thought …

The bouillabaisse was exquisite,
The escargot was exotic;
I guess he did make a good choice of venue
or was it simply his presence?
I smiled …

The table was soon cleared;
I lingered over my lime and soda,
only one thing was on my mind.
I looked into his eyes and he smiled
- the night was just beginning …

REFLECTIONS

I sat silently at my desk
staring at the books that lay on it
yet not comprehending what I beheld …

My mind was wandering,
lost in a maze of thoughts,
seeking for solace and peace in its trail …

I relived past glories and shames,
I realized, alas, too late,
I was consumed in my work
- it ate both me and what little friends I had …

And now all is gone.
Do I hear ‘almost’?
My mind defiantly refusing defeat …

IN WANT OF INSPIRATION

I was feeling very, very low.
I glanced at my Swatch
- about an hour to fellowship.
I decided to take a walk
- a long walk to church.

I got in, just in time for prayers,
feeling a little tired
but the fresh air sure did me good.
I did not feel like conducting
so I sat behind the choir.
I was searching for something …

The service went well
but I was approaching despair
when suddenly it came.
Maybe it was the way he strode up confidently
or the brilliant smile on his face
or the aura surrounding him,
I really can’t say …

I remained completely entranced by his words
as he ministered to my body and soul,
his words soothing and healing.
So I sought him after service
braving my way past all obstacles – oops!
I mean security.

I knew he had to be exhausted
but I needed to say ‘thank you’.
He was so warm and we talked a while.
I felt so much better and I told him so as I stood to go.
He stretched out his hand
to bless me and bid me ‘good night’.
What a pleasant surprise
- a couple of N500 notes in my hands!

* Dedicated to Joe

SILENCE SPEAKS

The sweet evening air,
the sunset kissed water,
the trees whispering in the gentle breeze,
I have all the magic I need …

The mood is set,
we are led by the motion of our
eyes, lips, hands and bodies,
we set the tempo; we blend into a dance …

Time comes to us,
there’s no hurry
as we create memories
that will forever linger …

Need I say a word?

SURVIVING ON FAITH

Faith …
A power that is greater than me.
An assurance that lets me know
that even in my moment of darkest pain
everything is going to be alright …

It doesn’t matter what people think
or say about the stuff I go through
- once I know me
I don’t need their validation.

So no matter how difficult life becomes,
how unsure the future seems,
I know it’s going to be just fine
’cos my faith is hinged on God

LIFE’s WORTH

Refreshed by the evening stroll
I returned to the cottage
to find young Al on my porch.
I thought no one was aware of my arrival …

As we laughed and talked
over hot lemon tea and crumpets,
I thought of the little boy at the orphanage,
alone in a corner, away from other kids,
with his palette and canvas,
a solitary figure lost in his own world …

‘What ails your soul?’
I asked after a while.
He studied my face steadily for a brief spell,
‘What does life hold for me?’
he said with a voice full of pain and sorrow.
‘I have no parents, relations, friends
or hope for a wonderful future.
I’m simply nobody passing through life
with no inspiration to prod me on.’

Silently I reached out and held his hand,
‘No my friend,’ I said gently,
‘No one can make out your value
save you.’
He suddenly lost control and broke into tears.
I held him close, tears falling freely from my own eyes,
for a boy forced to grow old fast
in a world of hate and pain,
facing a future that seemed just so uncertain …

SERVANTS OF THE LORD

Inspite of the heater
I draped a blanket round my shoulders
as I lay on the sofa in the den.
I guess I was tired,
probably a bit too warm,
I don’t know, but soon I was fast asleep …

I dreamt I was in a living room
only this time it wasn’t mine,
and I wasn’t lying on the sofa,
I was on the rug with the sofa as a back rest,
and I was with a lady …

For a split second I thought it was mum
only something told me to try again.
Whoever she was I thought highly of her,
I mean we were sharing jokes and laughing
till I thought I’ll lose my breath!

We got sober after a while
and talked on many issues
- my faith, vision, studies, dreams and aspirations,
even about my Aimee,
it was absolutely amazing!
She revealed an uncanny ability,
a depth of wisdom and understanding
only few people could possess.

She got up to get a book for me.
She called it a wonderful piece,
that it would inspire and build me up.
Now I was unsettled,
I still didn’t know who she was.
I guess my expression said it all
’cos she got silent for a while,
studying me with intent knowing eyes …

She smiled,
it was a warm smile,
so warm I actually felt it
and it seemed to draw out her name …

I guess I almost had it
’cos I was jolted out of my sleep.
Awake I drifted into a reverie,
I needed to place the face, know the name,
‘Joe?’
I looked up, my expression glazed …

I smiled.
I knew then who that wonderful lady was.

‘The best translation of God’s Word
that we will ever read
is found in servants of the Lord
who live that Word in deed.’*

* Quote from Dennis J. De Haan

Dedicated to Joe

THE UBIQUITOUS BEING

Yesterday …
was when You broke into my life,
washed my sins away,
presented me with the Holy Spirit
- You made me a brand new woman.
It really took my breath away, Lord,
to see me in Your eyes.

Today …
I shed a tear
to discover friends and lovers,
all gone but You still here,
holding my hand with such warmth,
lighting the way so lovingly
and understanding me so generously.

Tomorrow …
I’ll step out in boldness
through the darkened glade,
straight into the odds
’cos You’ll lead me through the paths,
and forever I’ll touch Your face,
being covered by Your Grace.

Could I ever live without You?
Even in my most shadowed moments
You were there.
Through all the years of my life
I’ve always had You there …
You’ll always be there.

‘The Lord has said, “I will never
leave you nor forsake you”.’
- Heb 13:5

LOST IDENTITY

I signed the dotted lines
and the deal was sealed,
another successful conquest …

I leaned back as I closed my eyes:
I saw my business empire, my mansion,
anything I could ask for.
Why is life so confusing?

I let out a sigh,
a tear trickled down my cheek.
I really had it all planned out you know.
I worked hard at it and got it all –
wealth, fame, love, sex –
life was a fast lane
and I cruised the freeway with pleasure.

I sighed again.
Why is life so confusing?
Home …

Could someone please show me the way back home?
Can I have my mum back now?
Could you please turn back the hands of time?
How much would that cost? Name it!

Where is home?

LOVE

I look into your eyes
searching every corner of your soul,
trembling as the intensity of your emotions
overwhelm me …

I hear you whisper my name
and my hands reach out for you,
gentle flames burning my soul
as you hold me close …

Lost in your arms,
I feel love on the tip of your tongue.
Could anyone ever make me
feel so alive as you do?

THE MASTERPIECE

In need of a spot of inspiration
I headed off to the countryside
to spend the weekend.
As I approached my old-fashioned English cottage,
I felt my heart skip a beat,
I had not realized how long I had stayed away,
how much I missed this place …

Relieved to find my cottage quite neat and tidy,
and supplies to take me through,
I took an evening stroll.
The weather was cool,
The evening air fresh and sweet,
The landscape captivating.

I took in the blue sky,
the green grassland artistically spotted
with bright yellow dandelions,
red poppies and blue larkspur.
In the pleasant, gentle wind
I heard the whistling pine from a distance
as the exotic scent of pot pourri
erupted from a bush of camellia, honeysuckle and freesia.

Feeling so much at ease and at peace
I stopped to pirouette to a tune
only I could hear …
And as I watched the setting sun
disappear below the horizon,
I whispered to myself,
‘God’s in His heaven -
all’s right with the world!’*

* Quote from Robert Browning

THE ETERNITY OF LOVE

Yesterday…
He had fought gallantly with the finest of warriors,
men of valour,
and she had fought fearlessly at his side,
as always…
They had lost men like never before,
the enemy was everywhere,
yet outnumbered they kept the line
with courage even he did not understand…
And then she was struck down
and all went black.
What had happened?

He looked round and rolled over.
On his back he studied the sky:
heavy with sparkling stars.
He felt the earth tremor slightly
He heard the sound of thunder.
A bolt of lightening blazed through touching the stars,
and then they fell,
like hardened dewdrops to the ground,
sparkling splinters from the stars, tears from the gods?

He reached out to pick one from his chest:
Never had he seen anything so pure, innocent and beautiful.
Its light struck his soul
and then he saw:
Even in death her love remained;
watching him, following him, protecting him,
just as on the battlefield.
She had received the blow meant for him,
and these were her tears:
diamonds for a hero whom she loved even in death.